Tuesday, 18 October 2011

Today has been a tough one.

As I sit here in front of the laptop with the kids in bed and the house is so quiet, I reflect on today.
It wasn't anything special, just another day. But my 10yr old son who has Autism decided that today was going to be a challenge for everyone in his world. I know he can't help it, but sometimes I struggle to deal with it.
This afternoon was one of those times.
He was fine when I picked him and his sister up from school. But as soon as we walked into the front door at home his personality seemed to change. He suddenly had attitude to his voice and a tone to it I did not appreciate. He was argumentive and just generally difficult. I have heard it before and it is something that I find very difficult to deal with.
I know there  could be a few different reasons for it. One of which I think is that he is copying another boy at school. This other child was born with attitude. Unfortunately my son is a copier. He will repeat what he sees and hears, in others conversations, from the TV, anywhere, anytime. I recognise this child in my son when he changes like this. He has even admitted in the past when we have had times like this, that he is indeed copying the other child.
Another reason could be some environmental trigger that I am unaware of. Why would he change suddenly when getting home?
Could it be that something happened at school and he was holding in his frustration till he got home?
I wish I knew what the problem was that triggered this behaviour. I try to get him to tell me, but he gets frustrated because he can't explain it. Sometimes he doesn't know himself why he is "off".
And I wish I could relate to him more in times like this.
But most of all I wish that I could  be more patient with him and not loose my temper. I get frustrated with him and do not listen to him enough when he gets in these "moods".
I hear the words of Kirk from Celebrate Calm in my head at times like today, but another part of me takes over and just can not stay calm as hard as I try. I guess tomorrow I need to put Kirk's CD's on and have another listen.
At times like this now when I can sit and relax and reflect, that I feel so overwhelmed.  I wish that I could take back the not so nice things I said to him, I wish I had of sat and just listened to him instead of cutting him off. I wish I had handled it better.
Isn't hindsight such a wonderful thing.
I love him immensely and would never physically hurt him, but it's my words that I fear may be causing him harm. I try to praise him constantly and encourage him to try harder.
I know he knows that I love him, so that gives me some solace. He is a forgiving little soul, so I know tomorrow he will hold no grudges. I always wake him with a kiss and cuddle, and scratch his back before he gets out of bed. He loves that.
Tomorrow is another day, another chance to be a better mum. Another opportunity for me to grow and learn. Another day to kiss and cuddle him and let him know that I love him very much.
In the words of the greatest Hollywood cowboy - "Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes into us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands. It hopes we've learned something from yesterday. " - John Wayne
I want to leave you now with some images of my gorgeous son.

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